I've started this blog, first because I want to help other people find hope and healing in the 12 step program, but also because I need something to do. Not that my life isn't crazy busy - I have plenty to do if we're just talking about busywork. But I'm hoping that keeping this blog updated will help me as I continue my recovery.
At first, I felt a little weird introducing myself as an addict. The truth is, I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol or even caffeine. Food is a different story, but food is tricky because you have to eat. It's just the compulsive munching and craving for sweets that I need to get a handle on. Even so, I wouldn't say food is my biggest addiction.
No, my biggest addiction is distraction. And that was somewhat of a problem for me in seeking help, because people would just shrug it off. I would tell them that I spend way too much time reading, or watching TV, or playing games, and it didn't seem like that big of a deal to them. So I never sought help because I felt dumb about it. I felt like people would laugh me out of the room if I went to a meeting with alcoholics and pain pill addicts and those who had eaten themselves up to 500 lbs because of a food addiction, and all I had to say was, "Hi, I'm TQ, and I'm addicted to reading books."
So, I never went. But inside, I was dying. I knew I needed help. I believed in God and in His power to heal me, but I wasn't finding access to that power with the way I was going about my life.
All that changed this summer when I found out my husband, who had been an alcoholic and a drug addict before I met him, had relapsed after 18 years of sobriety. At that point, I had a real, legitimate need to find my way to a 12-step meeting. I looked up the LDS Addiction Recovery Program and found a family support meeting in my area, but when I went, I found that we didn't talk so much about our loved ones' addictions as we did following the 12 steps ourselves.
That was fine with me because I knew I needed it anyway. It's been several weeks and I'm on Step 3. I wish I could say everything was going wonderfully, but despite the hope I feel in the program, I still feel like I'm drowning most days. I need to figure out how to really turn my life over to God and allow His healing power to work in my life.
This is an amazing talk by Elder David A. Bednar on the enabling power of the Atonement. As I was writing this post, I had the thought that I really need to re-read it. Maybe it'll help someone out there in cyberspace, too.
Until next time.
