Mother Theresa Quote

I heard a quote at a meeting this week that is really helping me. It's something Mother Theresa said. Basically, she said that God didn't call her to be successful; He called her to be faithful.

The reason that struck me so hard is that, being a perfectionist, I've been going through the steps trying to do them perfectly. I've gotten frustrated at times, both with the program and just in life, that no matter how hard I try, sometimes I just fall short. Okay, not just /sometimes/ more like most of the time.

I can't put my finger on exactly why, but the Mother Theresa quote really spoke to me and brought peace to my soul. I realized it doesn't matter so much what the outcome is. It doesn't matter if I'm perfect. But to stand in front of the Lord someday and say I was faithful, I did what He asked me to do, that is what's important.

It goes back to the Serenity Prayer, which I'm sure most people have heard even if they don't know anything about AA. It says:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

There really is serenity in not stressing over things you have no control over. I can control certain aspects of things, but I don't really have control over the outcome, how people react to what I'm doing, etc.

My Life Has Become Unmanageable

Step One is to

"admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome addictions and that your life has become unmanageable."

I'm sure there are different ways people find the Addiction Recovery Program, but for me, I had basically "done step one" before I even looked up the meeting times. That's why I finally went--because I could see that my life had become unmanageable and that I wasn't able to hold it together anymore. I needed help.

Some people probably go to meetings because someone else drags them there, or maybe there are other reasons why they haven't done step one yet, but I'm guessing that just going to a meeting pretty much qualifies as step one for most people.

Still, it was good to go through the step, reading each part carefully and writing answers to the questions at the end of the chapter.

One of the quotes that stood out to me in particular was when Boyd K. Packer says, "the study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

This program focuses on the solution and not on the problem. I was a little surprised at first, but I'm grateful now, that pretty much no one talked about their loved ones' addictions to any great extent at any of the meetings I went to. They talked about how the program is bringing them closer to Christ and bringing peace into their lives.

And that's really what it's all about. My husband isn't any closer to letting go of his addictions than he was when I started, but as I follow the steps, I'm finding more peace in my own life. I'm still a long way from being addiction-free myself, but I'm hopeful that the closer I get to the spirit and the more I turn my life over to Christ, the more strength I will have to overcome these issues in my life.

Hi. I'm TQ, and I'm an Addict

I've started this blog, first because I want to help other people find hope and healing in the 12 step program, but also because I need something to do. Not that my life isn't crazy busy - I have plenty to do if we're just talking about busywork. But I'm hoping that keeping this blog updated will help me as I continue my recovery.

At first, I felt a little weird introducing myself as an addict. The truth is, I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol or even caffeine. Food is a different story, but food is tricky because you have to eat. It's just the compulsive munching and craving for sweets that I need to get a handle on. Even so, I wouldn't say food is my biggest addiction.

No, my biggest addiction is distraction. And that was somewhat of a problem for me in seeking help, because people would just shrug it off. I would tell them that I spend way too much time reading, or watching TV, or playing games, and it didn't seem like that big of a deal to them. So I never sought help because I felt dumb about it. I felt like people would laugh me out of the room if I went to a meeting with alcoholics and pain pill addicts and those who had eaten themselves up to 500 lbs because of a food addiction, and all I had to say was, "Hi, I'm TQ, and I'm addicted to reading books."

So, I never went. But inside, I was dying. I knew I needed help. I believed in God and in His power to heal me, but I wasn't finding access to that power with the way I was going about my life.

All that changed this summer when I found out my husband, who had been an alcoholic and a drug addict before I met him, had relapsed after 18 years of sobriety. At that point, I had a real, legitimate need to find my way to a 12-step meeting. I looked up the LDS Addiction Recovery Program and found a family support meeting in my area, but when I went, I found that we didn't talk so much about our loved ones' addictions as we did following the 12 steps ourselves.

That was fine with me because I knew I needed it anyway. It's been several weeks and I'm on Step 3. I wish I could say everything was going wonderfully, but despite the hope I feel in the program, I still feel like I'm drowning most days. I need to figure out how to really turn my life over to God and allow His healing power to work in my life.

This is an amazing talk by Elder David A. Bednar on the enabling power of the Atonement. As I was writing this post, I had the thought that I really need to re-read it. Maybe it'll help someone out there in cyberspace, too.

Until next time.